How to Survive Small Talk at a Family Gathering
Let’s just start by being honest. We love our families but we don’t always like them. Your mom asks for the 257th time if you finally have a significant other. Your aunt, after a scrutinizing lookover, tells you it looks like you’ve gained weight (or lost too much). Your grandpa drones on about how “kids these days” don’t measure up to his expectations. Your siblings and cousins spend hours sitting in awkward silence or shifting from one foot to another while asking about the weather, sports, your job, et cetera, ad nauseum until you all finally leave or get drunk or end up yelling at each other.
Here are three solid ways to ease the strain, with a few more tips tacked on at the end:
PLAN A FEW STORIES AHEAD OF TIME.
Maybe pick one that is work-themed; one about a date you went on or some kind of event; one about something you have recently read or watched. Pick anything light, fun, and non-controversial. Only you know what that exactly looks like for your family! Have your stories ready for when the awkward silences encroach. It’s okay to just start telling a story out of the blue. It’s unlikely anyone will notice and even if someone does, they’ll still be happy someone broke the silence.
Use stories as topic changes when the conversation steers toward the uncomfortable. Again, even if it’s not remotely the topic people are on, you can absolutely change the topic with a story. Just go right into it and people will get the idea. It might feel awkward, but it’s probably less awkward for you than the alternative.
Whether your stories are fully true or not . . . well, that’s your choice, but you also don’t want to be known as the person who tells fake stories. Steer away from complete fabrications. You can always leave out unnecessary details. Make the story a minute or so long, and make sure it has a beginning, a middle, and an end.
Some suggestions for openers:
“One time my friend and I . . .”
“The other day I saw . . .” (Or heard, read, learned, etc.)
“Did I ever tell you about . . .”
“I have a story . . .”
“Something funny . . .”
Et cetera.
Some examples of endings:
“. . . after I learned that, I’ve been telling everyone I know. I just think it’s crazy!” (Or funny, interesting, sweet, cool, etc.)
“. . . I never want to do that again, but it makes for a good story!”
“So the moral of the story is . . .” (insert short summary of why the experience was significant to you)
And of course the classics:
“The end.”
“Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.”
Et cetera.
If you’re out of stories, try the next tactic:
GET SOMEONE ELSE TALKING.
Ask questions! Have questions ready to ask your grandma, cousin, brother, your brother’s girlfriend; anyone. In addition to making sure your questions are non-controversial (don’t ask who anyone voted for ahahaha . . . . *cries*) try to ask questions that need more than a yes or no question.
Instead of, “So, Tina, do you like your job?”
Try: “Tina, what’s something you do at work that most people don’t realize is part of that job?”
Also avoid interview-esque questions. No one wants to be eating Christmas cookies and answering questions like, “So what are the top three strengths you bring to your career?”
Please, no!
These questions don’t have to be anything crazy. If you take a few minutes, even on the drive to the gathering, to think of things you’re genuinely curious about people, you can probably think of some. But if you wait until you’re sitting there, IN the awkward silence, then HAHA good luck trying to think of questions! Planning ahead is key.
Ask your parents and grandparents about their childhoods; about their careers; about advice they would give to the younger generations. Those are always popular topics and can get older people talking for several minutes. Plus, you really can learn some interesting things at times!
Ask your siblings questions about favorite podcasts or shows, opinions on friendliest dog breeds, favorite places to eat, et cetera. Again, aim for fun and light-hearted questions.
Even if some of your questions are met with short answers, keep asking. Sooner or later you’ll probably hit on one that someone or other is willing to expound upon, and you’ll get ten or fifteen minutes of conversation out of it before the silence comes roaring back. Then ask another question. Maybe you’ll have a great conversation! Or maybe the other person will find an excuse to get up and get more food or go to the bathroom. . . . Either way, you tried.
BE MENTALLY READY FOR AWKWARD QUESTIONS.
Even if you don’t plan to answer questions about your love life, your work, your personal choices, or any other topics that could be uncomfortable, you should be prepared to receive them and respond in a kind way.
If you want to give an honest answer, do it, even if it isn’t fun. Make it as long or as short as you like. Be kind about it. If it’s someone you’re close enough to that you would talk to them about it, but feel the timing is not right, say so.
“I do want to talk to you about that, but can we do it later in private?” and then go on to a different topic.
If it’s not something you want to talk about — now or later, be honest about that. Give your short answer and follow it with, “And that’s all I prefer to say about it. Can we talk about something else now?” Then maybe go into one of your prepared stories, as appropriate.
If you really don’t want to talk about it at all, then prepare yourself to say so, and do it at the right time. A simple, “I really don’t want to talk about that,” or “I don’t want to answer that,” is enough. Then move the conversation elsewhere.
If you prefer a more joking and/or sarcastic answer, just make sure it’s appropriate for the person and not too harsh/cutting/crass for Nana or Aunt Gina. Also make sure that YOU are okay with your joking answer. If you’re inwardly hurting over a comment or a question, remind yourself to deal with it later. Maybe that means talking to the person in private or maybe it just means reviewing the situation in your own mind and dealing with it, depending on what is appropriate. Sometimes people aren’t willing to be approached about their remarks. Sometimes they are. Bottom line is, deal with hurt at an appropriate time and in an appropriate manner. Use humor to lighten the mood, not as a band-aid.
If you prefer to ignore the question, do it as politely as you can.
Just saying, “I’d rather not talk about that,” and moving on is better than saying something sharp or unkind.
Even to literally ignore the question and simply talk about something else can send a subtle but clear message that you do not want to have a conversation about it. Taking the initiative to change the subject can give the other person a chance to quietly let the topic go without making it even more awkward for them.
If you really can’t shake off a question or get someone to stop asking you about something, try leaving the room. Excusing yourself, or even quietly leaving the room without excusing yourself, forces the conversation to end. Most likely, when you return a few minutes later, the conversation will have moved on to other things. In addition, leaving the room can allow you to collect your thoughts, cool off, or otherwise take a break, if needed. It can also help the other person to do the same, which could help. It may not, but it might!
A FEW LAST SUGGESTIONS
If you feel up to it, learn to tell some jokes really well. Laughter is always good.
Be a good listener! Nodding and smiling is easy and can make others feel warm and special.
Don’t downplay serious things. If you feel you need counseling or some other kind of professional help with how you handle your family relationships, then don’t let fear, embarrassment, money, or anything else hold you back. Help is out there.
Don’t be the one making everyone else miserable! Have a good attitude and make an effort to have a pleasant time. Even if your mom is WAY. TOO. EXCITED. about all her babies being home(!!!!!) Just roll with it. She’s having a good time. You should too!
If needed, have an escape plan. Have a friend call you at a certain time so you can choose to either ignore the call or take it. Make tentative plans elsewhere so you can leave at a certain time. Yes, these are the same principles you operate on when you think you might want out of an awkward date. They work! Don’t lock yourself into anything, because maybe you really will have a good time and want to stay for dessert! But having an optional out can alleviate some of the stress you may feel. And just by feeling less stressed, you may have a better time.
Be yourself. Maybe you don’t always get along with your family members. Maybe you’re not close. But you can still have a pleasant Christmas dinner with them and maybe — just maybe, everyone will leave thinking to themselves, “That was the best family dinner we’ve ever had.”
You can’t do anything about anyone else’s choices, but you can make your own!
